Thoughts On Beauty Shaming
Last week I wrote about physical beauty, why we want it and, to some extent, how we can achieve it. This week I’m going to talk about people who will shame you for pursuing any of that.
These people have always been around but social media has made their voices louder than ever before. They are almost always women and not necessarily unattractive women.
They usually affect a non-style that’s meant to convey the message that, “I’m too busy doing very important things to bother about how I look. If you wear make-up and pay attention to your clothes, you are clearly not busy and don’t do anything important.”
When I was modeling, in my late teens and early twenties, I fell prey to a couple of these women who almost convinced me to give up my career, stop wearing make-up and think of clothes as just something to cover my nakedness.
They were both assistant professors at the university I was attending. I was a good student and they urged me to “concentrate on my inner being, develop my intellect and waste no time on frivolous pursuits.” (Although I do recall that they liked their post-lecture beers.)
Luckily, pure necessity intervened. I needed the money to stay in school. (you know, developing my intellect.) Modeling paid well and the comparatively few hours I worked allowed me to attend full-time with plenty of time to actually study. But I’ve never forgotten the shame and self-doubt they made me feel over my “vanity” and “frivolity.”
Time has shown however, that in spite of continuing to pay attention to my looks, I have developed my intellect and inner being. Seems they’re really not mutually exclusive.
If you’re reading my blog, you’re probably interested in fashion. But I would never criticize a woman who is simply not interested and I don’t try to persuade them that fashion-consciousness is an absolute necessity. (Although, I must confess that I’ll occasionally look at one of them and think, very privately “Really, you could do something about that hair.”)
My issue is not with the “non fashion and beauty” people, it’s with the “anti-fashion and beauty” people, who not only reject personal enhancement for themselves, but condemn those who employ it.
It is not unusual to hear such people refer to a beautifully groomed woman in pejorative terms. You may think to yourself, “They’re just jealous.” In some cases, that may be true but, in fact, the ones who call names and make openly snide remarks are possibly the least dangerous to you and your self-esteem.
It’s the ones who seem so earnest and sincere, who try to convince you that you can’t develop your mind if you’re paying attention to your image. But, actually, they’re the ones who place undue emphasis on your looks. They’re the ones who give the presence or absence of a dab of make-up, such overriding importance.
But, you don’t only feel good about yourself because you know how to use make-up and can pull together a chic outfit. You feel good about yourself because your outward appearance, in most cases, reflects a desire to make the most of yourself in all aspects of your life. You feel self-confident because you’re well balanced and fighting the fight on all fronts.
People who tear down your self-confidence are a threat to you and should be ignored. But your beauty is a point of real vulnerability because it’s so easily criticized.
Society in general has always vaguely disapproved of beauty, while at the same time desiring it. The net consensus has always been that it is a kind of cheat, an undeserved edge.
I have long believed that beauty should be thought of as being like a talent. Like any other talent (think athletics, for example), it is usually something you are born with. In that sense, it is “undeserved,” but you can choose to develop a talent or not. And, like any talent, the person who has perhaps less talent but develops it, will do better with what they’ve got than someone with potentially greater talent who does not.
Where it differs from other, recognized, talents is that some people resent it and actually blame the person who develops it. Maybe it’s because, as I discussed in last week’s blog, it can be so powerful.
I’m going to get a little self-referential again, but as I’ve mentioned in the past, I’ve spent my career(s) in fashion and beauty. But that’s not all I’ve done with my life. I’ve been a single mother, kept a home and commuted 3 hours a day between Long Island to New York City so that my son could attend good schools.
I’ve gotten involved in social issues and politics. I’ve volunteered, I’ve recruited and I’ve demonstrated. I’ve written books and had an active social life. And, unlike those “busy and important” women who would criticize me, somehow, I always found an extra 20 minutes to apply make-up and assemble a nice outfit.
So, the idea that a woman who makes time for her looks has nothing better to do is ludicrous.
Of course there are a tiny number of women who actually have nothing better to do than pursue the latest fads - in everything. They are a vanishingly small tribe and I’d bet good money that you are not among them.
If statistics are correct, you probably work full time and/or go to school. You have a career, or are working hard to build one and you have or probably will have children. You are a busy, productive woman.
It is self-evident that you are not a worthless butterfly and any suggestion that you are would be laughable if it weren’t so potentially destructive.
You have an absolute right to pursue your dreams and if they include looking beautiful, that doesn’t count against you. You’re making the most of all of your potential. It’s the people who criticize you who are not.
I think those who insinuate that they are vastly superior and important, that their time is so precious that they haven’t a moment to spare, are the ones who are unbearably conceited and vain. (Or, maybe just too disorganized and scatterbrained to do more than one thing with their lives?)
So carry on! Be productive, be successful, use your mind, your heart, your kindness and be beautiful.
- Gabrielle